Divorce Wisdom: All I want for Christmas is a Perfect Divorce

Usually around the holidays I write about survival tips for divorced parents and how to ensure that your children enjoy the season with as little post-divorce drama as possible.

But for this December posting, I was thinking about how many people wait until after January 1st to file for divorce. So, if divorce is on your mind during the holidays, let’s take a look at what a best case scenario looks like. Understand that I do not take the issue of divorce lightly under any circumstance. I know the pain that is involved in making the decision to end a marriage, no matter how bad. But if you are headed in the direction of divorce, here are my thoughts that may help to reduce your stress:

From a divorce attorney’s perspective, the perfect divorce with children involves both parties understanding that the divorce experience is a process. If it is harder for one person, the stronger of the two should allow their spouse to grieve and honor the fact that settlement discussions should occur only after the shock of the divorce dissipates and the dust settles a bit. It may be wise to resolve emotionally charged issues with the help of a family therapist, recognizing that the focus is not on salvaging the marriage, but on divorcing with dignity.

Kindness can also be shown by thanking your spouse for all the good things that he/she brought into your life. Focus on the positive aspects, not the negative, of your spouse and your marriage. Never air your family’s dirty laundry in a public forum. This will always hurt not only your spouse, but you and your children as well.

The perfect divorce would also be one where each parent lives in close proximity to the other parent. The doors to each parent’s home would be open to the children to enable them to travel back and forth freely between the two households. The other parent would be welcomed into the home and treated warmly by their ex-spouse. The parents would continue to show kindness and respect for one another. The children would sense a unified front from their parents regarding their health, safety and welfare. The parents would share holidays and important events in their child’s lives. The parents would, at all times, remain “child-centric” and put the needs of their children first and foremost. As child-centric parents, they would always schedule parenting time and activities that best served their children. Neither parent would count how many days the child spent under his/her roof. These parents recognize their children cannot be divided in half like a chocolate bar.

The best-case scenario regarding spousal support truly recognizes the needs of the other parent without overlooking your needs and ability to pay when appropriate. A non-wage earning spouse will be terrified about their economic future, post-divorce. Reassure him/her that you intend to recognize his/her role in the marriage and that you are not going to leave him/her high and dry.

The best way to handle property division is to equally divide whatever property was accumulated during the marriage. Each parent should retain their separate property that they brought into the marriage or what they obtained by gift or inheritance.

However, putting the needs of the children first might include property provisions that provide stability for the children, such as owning the marital home jointly until the youngest child graduates from high school even though your ex-spouse will have exclusive use of the home until the sale. This best-case scenario may also include a provision that allows you and your ex-spouse to continue to jointly own your vacation house or cottage as joint tenants. You both love the house after all, so why not continue to share it?

These types of divorcees choose to continue to look at their ex-spouse as a member of their family. How could they not be? They are, after all, the mother or father of your children! The ex-husband/ex-wife just becomes a different kind of family member.

You want what is best for your ex after the divorce because he/she remains on the same team -you and your kid’s team. What is good for your ex is always good for your kids. So make sure to stand on the sidelines and cheer him or her on for the rest of your life.