Divorce Wisdom: If You Could See What I See

An affluent business man, we will call Larry, retained my services to represent him in his divorce action. Larry is the father of three young children. When the parties’ youngest child was only three (3) months old, Larry’s wife, who we will refer to as Lolita, left him for a man she met at yoga. Larry was devastated when Lolita filed for divorce and requested sole physical custody of their children. He felt cheated in many ways but was most saddened by the prospect of not beginning and ending the day with his children on a daily basis.

After Larry shared his story with me, I told him during our very first meeting what I thought a fair settlement in his case should look like. I gave him my opinion on everything from custody, parenting time, child support, spousal support to the division of the parties’ assets and debts. Larry, although humiliated and depressed by the state of his life wanted to attempt to work out an amicable settlement with his wife, with nominal assistance of counsel. Lolita, on the other hand, wanted to grab as much of the marital pie as possible and she was therefore not interested in peacefully resolving her case with her soon to be ex-husband.
Lolita hired a bulldog to represent her in the divorce action. After hiring her bulldog, Lolita went on automatic pilot and allowed her lawyer to run the show. The case quickly became a nightmare. In an attempt to remove Larry from the house, Lolita’s attorney filed a Personal Protection Order against Larry to have him removed from the house and the kids. The allegations were quite weak but they were enough to convince a judge to hold an evidentiary hearing on the issue during which time Larry was removed from his home. Witnesses were called and the lines between friends and family were drawn. Lolita’s attorney attempted to extort money and a custody plan from Larry in exchange for dismissing the Personal Protection Order. A lot of money was spent on the Personal Protection Order action and the divorce before Lolita realized the damage she had caused her family.

The PPO eventually did get dismissed, after a lot of time, expense and heartache. The parties divorce did ultimately settle on the eve of trial. In the end, the couple spent over one hundred thousand dollars each in legal fees.

GUESS WHAT LARRY’S SETTLEMENT WAS?????

The exact settlement that I outlined for him in my office during our first meeting, before he spent a year of his life and a small fortune on his representation.

So what is the lesson here? What can you do to avoid ending up in Larry’s shoes? Here are a few tips:

• 1. Hire the Right Attorney for the Job:
  • Make sure you hire an attorney that specializes in family law.
  • Arm yourself with knowledge about potential attorneys before choosing your representation. What type of reputation does he/she have?
  • Interview several attorneys and find the one that you believe will be able to best represent you fairly in your case. Go with your gut here.
  • Do an internet search on the attorney before you make a decision.
  • Research whether the attorney you have in mind has ever been disciplined by the Attorney Grievance Commission.
  • Always ask your attorney to take a cost vs. benefit approach to the issues in your case.

• 2. Know the Players in your Case:
  • The players include such people as the judge, Friend of the Court personnel assigned to your case, any mental health professionals involved and the opposing counsel.
  • Make sure your case strategy is in line with the players in your case. Your attorney should know enough about your judge to predict how he or she may rule on certain issues. It is also helpful if your attorney knows the opposing counsel and what strategy works best in dealing with him/her.

• 3. You Get More Bees with Honey:
  • I have been in practice now for close to 20 years. While I can be extremely aggressive if necessary to protect my client’s interests, it is never a good idea to use the skill unless necessary.
  • The attorneys and the parties should attempt to get along which is not to say that includes being pushed around by the opposing side.
  • Use the services of therapists, mediators and parenting time coordinators to resolve disputes rather than the court system when practical.
  • Do not use the court system to prove a point just to be right when the cost to do so emotionally and/or financially is just not worth it.
  • Know that the court system is not designed to punish your spouse for all of the wrongs he/she committed during the marriage. Until divorce, you and your spouse are in, what I like to call, a marital partnership. Some partnerships are simply better than others. For instance, if your partner wronged you 5 years ago and you knew about it and stayed married, do not expect the court to make you whole for something that will be considered by your judge to be ancient history.

*****Remember, if you and your spouse cannot agree, a virtual stranger will be making huge life altering decisions on your behalf. It is best to keep control of your own life and destiny whenever possible.