Divorce Wisdom: How Do You Tell the Children About the Divorce?

In my experience, under normal circumstances, children are naturally devastated when they learn that their parents are getting a divorce. It does not matter how old or young a child is; the news is heartbreaking. Even children in their 20’s and older often feel that their “rock” or home base has been taken away from them.

So, if divorce is eminent, how do you tell your child? In my practice I am often asked this question, so here are some thoughts:

• Older children may feel betrayed by their parents if they learn about the divorce after the filing.

• Telling your children together about the divorce is almost always the best course of action, regardless of the age of the child.

• Assuring your children together, as a couple, that your decision to divorce is by no means their fault and that you both love them very much.

• Repeatedly reminding your children, individually or together,  that you love them and that the divorce is not their fault, after the initial discussion, is a very good idea.

• Not involving your children in the divorce action puts your children’s needs first; one should always adhere strictly to this policy, no matter how awful your spouse has behaved.

• Showing a unified front with your spouse for your children’s activities and school events will lead your child to actually believe that the divorce action is not his/her fault.

• Setting boundaries about the children’s exposure to the divorce and sticking to the rules you have set will help your child cope with their world falling apart.

• If you are seeing a marriage counselor, continue to use that person as a divorce counselor to keep the business of your divorce out of court as much as possible and away from your child.

• Choose a counselor to serve solely as a “divorce counselor” if you need help maintaining civility toward your spouse.

• Seek out a good counselor for your child to deal with the issue of divorce, if appropriate.

• You are your child’s role model during good times and bad.

Remember, no matter how big of a rotten, cheating, low-down scumbag your wife or husband is, they are still your child’s mother or father. Your child’s view of either of their parents should not be tarnished by your break up. That is not to say that if you have been treated unfairly you should not stand up for yourself. I am merely suggesting that you don’t bring your child into the mix.
Your child was made out of love; your child is truly your most treasured asset. You and your spouse share this miracle and you will have the honor to do so for the rest of your life, so don’t screw it up.