Divorce Wisdom: Divorce Dos and Don’ts

I cannot tell you how many of my clients want to fight over matters of principle rather than take a cost verses benefit approach to their divorce. Okay, so you are getting divorced because your spouse is a real @#$%^&*%&*8! YOU CAN FILL IN THE BLANKS HERE.

If the above definition describes the state of your marriage, then I say the best revenge against a cheating, lying and/or abusive spouse is to live well in the aftermath. But how can you live well during a state of marital turmoil? Start by following some simple guidelines during your divorce:

• Do not spend thousands of dollars in legal fees in an effort to get reimbursed for say a $500.00 water bill. Always take a cost/benefit approach to your case. This means pick your battles.

• If you have small issues that need to be resolved, like say the issue of reimbursement of utility bills, wait and address all of these issues during settlement negotiations, which will often occur during mediation. Do not run to court on a regular basis every time your spouse fails to pay a court ordered bill. If you have an attorney that wants to spend hundreds of dollars per hour chasing down the smaller issues, hire new counsel.

• Remember, most assets that you and your spouse have accumulated during the course of your marriage are considered marital and are subject to equal division by the court, regardless of how rotten your soon to be ex has acted towards you.

• Since fault is a factor that a court may consider in dividing the marital estate (i.e. One spouse may be awarded more than 50% of the marital assets if the court finds that the other spouse is responsible for the breakdown of the marriage), you should carefully assess whether the attorney fees involved in proving fault is worth the gamble of trying to prove to your judge you should get more than half of the marital pie. Usually, I find that the cost of proving fault, along with the uncertainty of how the judge may rule on this issue typically reveals that the cost is not worth the benefit, although there are exceptions of course.

• Do not engage in any behavior with your soon to be ex that you find does not move your case closer to a final resolution. I like to tell my clients DO NOT TAKE THE BAIT! Cutoff telephone contact, text messages and e-mails that are counterproductive to settling your case. Keep your eye on the finish line. In order to get there, focus on fairly dividing your assets and debts, calculating child support and spousal support if applicable and settling any other issues that must be addressed and resolved in your case.

• If you have depression or anger issues associated with your spouse and the divorce, understand that those feelings are natural and deal with them in therapy or through other healthy pursuits that make you feel good such as exercise or a support group for divorce.

• Be nice to yourself. Treat yourself to a massage or a night out with supportive friends when you need it.

• Pick up a new hobby. Challenge yourself with something that takes you out of your comfort zone.

• Lose all people in your life that are not supportive of you during this difficult time. Going through a divorce can show you who your true friends are and who is not worth your bother.

• Understand that people come into your life for a season, a reason or a lifetime. Try to see the good in your marriage. The marriage could serve as a great role model for what you do and do not want in your future relationships. If your marriage produced children, then your spouse certainly came into your life for the best reason of all.

Remember, there is a light and a life at the end of the divorce tunnel. Hang in there.