Divorce Wisdom: Surviving (and enjoying!) the holidays as a divorced parent

With the holidays approaching as quickly as the temperatures are dropping, we’re reminded that this season is about peace, harmony and good will. But if you’re a divorced parent who has to share time with your children this holiday season, it may not be that joyful –unless you plan ahead. Here are six tips to help you survive (and even enjoy!) this holiday season:

1. Remain “child-centric” at all times. I am a strong believer that a child’s needs always coming first. I remind clients to ask themselves what their child will benefit from most. What will create happy holiday memories? When you as a parent answer these questions as if you were the child, the answer places the child’s needs first. And yes, this may mean allowing your son or daughter to pick out a gift for your ex – at your expense!
2. Be flexible. As children grow, their needs change; a holiday parenting schedule created when your child was five years old may not be right a now fifteen-year-old. If a judgment of divorce calls for equal parenting time over the winter break and holidays, remember that mathematical equality might not be perfect for your child every year of their life until they turn 18.
3. Remember to share the children. As a divorce attorney for more than 20 years, I have found young children want nothing more than to spend time with both of their parents at the same time – and this could not be any truer than during the holidays. If you can stomach it, try to include your ex in one of the family events or plan a small outing for just you, your ex and the child(ren). This outing can be something as simple as going to a movie – it allows your son/daughter to have time with both parents without you and your ex needing to interact that much with each other.
4. Start a new holiday tradition. After divorce, children also start a new chapter in their lives. Starting a new tradition may help children ease the loss they feel as a result of the separation. Whether it’s simply reading a special holiday book or taking a family trip, creating new traditions as your children grow can help make the holidays more manageable and enjoyable for all.
5. Control emotions and “fake it till you make it.” While you cannot control your ex’s actions, you can control your own. The holidays are possibly the worst time to utter even one negative comment about your ex-spouse or his/her family. While many parents get a divorce because they were wronged by their ex, they may have to fake it and shelf their feelings, especially during the holidays. Your children don’t need to be told how bad you will miss them while they are spending time with the other parent, see you crying when they leave and hear ill comments about their mom/dad. Instead, your children should be told how much fun they will have with their mom/dad and his or her family.
6. Planning and communication are key. Ample planning and communication can help the season go smoothly for both you and your ex as parents and the child(ren). It may also save you from scrambling to court last minute to enforce holiday parenting time agreements. The goal is to stay out of court. Therefore, planning with your ex several weeks or even months before the holidays arrive and confirming plans in writing can help facilitate this process.

As a reminder and bonus #7: take care of yourself during the holidays.

For many, time away from their children during the holidays is devastating and can feel terribly wrong and unfair. You need to do things to help fill the ‘kid void’ during their absence, such as planning events with friends and family or partaking in activities that are not easy to do when the kids are home.

Do you have any holiday survival tips to share?